To my son johan,
Leaving you and daddy was a big burden that i have. Mommy cried a lot of time while counting my days before my first big flight. It was the hardest decision that i have made. But because your daddy and i arent able to give you evrything that we've dreamed of, i decided i should go and leave you for awhile.
I feel so guilty to say when you asked if i will be there on your 4rth birthday, all mommy has to say is, i cant but ill be watching you on skype.
I'm sorry baby that I'm not always right by your side to see all your firsts. But I just want to let you know that everything that I do, I'm doing it because I love you and daddy.
On this very special day, 4 years ago, you were given to us and I was so scared. I dont know how to become a good mom. But when I look at you and hear you cry, it's my love for you that guides me what to do. When the nurse let me see you for the first time, i didnt cry but i felt the most wonderful feeling. But when daddy was asleep, and i held you on my arms one night, tears finally drop from my happy eyes. I have received God's most amazing gift. God gave us his undying love by giving you to me and daddy.
Baby heart, mommy can't promise you a perfect life. But daddy and mommy will try their very best to be a good parent so you will grow up with a good heart and with a good life.
Soon you, daddy and i will be together in the same roof. I love you so much my dear johan nathaniel. I might not be there physically for the first time to celebrate your birthday but my love for you will always be by your side.
HAPPY 4 years of Life my sweet adorable child! May God blesses you good health always so mommy wont worry too much. Study hard and be a good boy always. Again sweety, I LOVE YOU SO DEARLY! Xoxo
